OPINION | Transform it all

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DOES Joe Biden write his tweets?

Does an aide gently guide his finger to the keys on his phone while humming a soothing melody? Whoever’s in charge of his account, this was sent a few weeks ago:


“We’re going to beat Donald Trump. And when we do, we won’t just rebuild this nation — we’ll transform it.”


Barack Obama made the same pledge, noting his intention to fundamentally transform America. Some credulous folk thought this meant “improve,” but that’s like saying you “improved” the Mona Lisa by painting it over, Jackson Pollock-style. No, that would be a transformation.


The Left adores transformation, because it means the old miserable manifestations of the culture are remade to their wishes. Like this:


“Hey, you like hamburgers? We’re going to transform them! Now you’ll eat lab-grown pseudo-beef with ground-up insects! Yes, we’re transforming the American diet, because meat is patriarchal, causes climate change, and also mustard is racist.”


“How is mustard racist?”


“I’m not going to perform unpaid labor to teach you. Educate yourself. Do the work. Read a book. I suggest Yellow Peril: How Condiments Led to the Anti-Chinese Riots of 1886. If you want to decolonize your burger, it’s a good place to start.”


“I don’t want to transform or decolonize my burger. I want to eat my burger.”


“Food is political. If you’re saying you want to ignore the systemic paradigms inherent in your diet, next you’ll want to culturally appropriate the Palestinians and have a hamburger on rye bread.”


“Wait, Palestinians? I thought — oh, never mind. No, I prefer a white bun.”


“So-called white bread. Other cultures simply called it ‘bread’ until the West decided to establish a hierarchy that delegitimized BIPOC breads.”


“You’re a silly straw man conjured for the purposes of this column, and I am tired of you.”


“Did you just assume my gender? And I’ll have you know I am made of grass but identify as trans-straw.”


The fundamental transformation of your hamburger will probably not be top priority in the Biden administration. But what about the suburbs? After all, President Trump said Biden wanted to “abolish the suburbs” and was roundly mocked by people who (a) think that’s obvious nonsense, and (b) would like to abolish the suburbs.


Yes, really. “The suburbs are responsible for siphoning resources out of the inner city and concentrating opportunity in wealthier, whiter areas,” tweeted one urbanist. “Abolish suburbs.”


Okay, chief, we’ll get right on that. The president was referring to the AFFH (Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing) regulatory scheme, which doesn’t abolish the suburbs, but intends to — all together, now — transform them. The progressives hate the suburbs. All those people living their pathetic lives of quiet desperation in ticky-tacky boxes. Mommy’s taking pills, Daddy is spying on the babysitter sunbathing next door, and all those other banal clichés fiercely believed by people in dense cities who live in a closet and make dinner on a hot plate.


Trump’s assertion is correct in the macro sense — the progressives would transform the suburbs to make them beholden to large cities and their political beliefs. But the true prog wants to abolish them in fact. How, exactly, would this be accomplished? It’s quite simple: Pass laws! Require everyone to move to a flat in a building in the city, probably some huge gray concrete monster that stains in the rain as if a giant dog had just left its mark, and then raze everything outside of the city limits and make it into communal agriculture plots. Done and done!


But, you might say, I own that home.


“Well, property is theft, as we people who like to steal your property like to say. You’ll get free housing in the People’s Block C-047 Subsection Two, since housing is a human right. You’ll be freed from the yoke of the mortgage, and find a new, rewarding life in a communal society that won’t let you retreat behind the privilege of individualism.”


Sounds like Communism to me, you might say, and we know what a wretched, blood-stained tapestry of human misery that inevitably spins.


“True Communism has never been tried.”


Yeah, but true suburbanism has, and people like it.


“Doesn’t matter! We’re transforming now. We’re transforming how you get around, what statuary is permitted, what the sports teams are named, what the streets are called, the definition of citizenship, the Electoral College, the definition of man and woman, and the parameters of acceptable opinion. What the second hundred days will bring, well, we’ll come up with something.”


But back to Biden. The tweet, which he totally wrote, you guys, says that transformation comes after rebuilding. The unrest in American cities will cease when he is elected, because the masked political sociopaths who want to burn down federal buildings will be placated by the election of a career politician so devoid of core convictions, he makes a slender reed look like an old-growth sequoia. Hold on, they’ll say, Joe Biden is president? Crime-bill Joe? Anti-busing Joe? Robert Byrd–buddy Joe? Defense-of-marriage Joe? Well, we’d hoped for the reborn Che to descend from the clouds and lead us into the promised land, but I guess Biden’s been...transformed. Back to work, everyone! Hey, let’s scrub off this graffiti. Gee, we did make a mess.


Everything will seem better when Biden is elected, because the media will be full of hope and change, and Biden will gum his way through some gaseous encomiums to America, but nothing will be transformed. Back in your box, Marxist pawns. They’ll let you know when you’re needed again.

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